You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
