You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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