hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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