i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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