i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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