Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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