filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
