At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
