you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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