I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
