at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if only i could text you this smell
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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