i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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