allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
