I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
