He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
