PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
