Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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