i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
