i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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