wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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