my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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