ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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