He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
