My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
