yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
