the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
