my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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