very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
