question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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