Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
where are my eyebrows?
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