Got a toothbrush?
We won't sleep together?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize