i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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