I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
