everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
