I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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