i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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