I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
