We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
