idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
