booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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