Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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