rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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