Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
