if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
