my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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