Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
