She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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