how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dignity is for republicans.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Boobs are out for the taking
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
