life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
