someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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