I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
