If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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