I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The uberlube is also flammable
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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