Michael Bay diarrhea
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
