dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
