Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
