things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
