are you still at the devil's house?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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